Content warning: Offense
The word “disillusioned” so perfectly summarizes the de-conversion process. It is to become disappointed in someone or something that one discovers to be less good than one had previously believed. I became disillusioned with Christianity when I realized that a lot of the stories I grew up believing were mythologized, that much of the certainty of the faith was misplaced, and that most Christians are caught in an epistemic trap.
I recently became disillusioned with Christians (and possibly with humans more broadly, but I’m still working through that). When I first stopped believing I held onto the notion that after a few good conversations with friends and family, many of them would realize how untrue Christianity is. I thought that deep down inside each person was more committed to finding out the nature of reality than to theology. Boy was I wrong.
I’m disappointed. It’s hard to see people mentally check out in front of you, mid conversation. It’s hard to hear regurgitated apologetics. It’s hard to see willing ignorance on full display. It’s hard to see people’s intellectual priorities so skewed by indoctrination. Christianity is a mental fortress that’s been under construction for more than 2000 years. It can’t let you leave. It won’t let you leave. It’s an overwhelming mass of psychological, social, and intellectual traps. It’s the most effective cult that’s ever existed. It’s members are proud to be there. And it’s hard to see that from the outside, looking in.
I also realized only recently that I’m still paying a cognitive tax towards Christianity. I still feel the need to justify myself, my actions, my positions, my beliefs. I’ve been poised and ready for these intense, emotional conversations. Conversations that rarely happen. Conversations that leave me drained and frustrated. Conversations that never resolve. Conversations that loop and loop and loop and loop because that’s the best defense Christianity has - circular reasoning.
To what end? None, I now realize.
I have gone through the trial of re-evaluating my core beliefs. There is now nothing that I won’t question - even my unbelief. Nothing is sacred. No stone is safe from being unturned. I try to carry that mindset into every conversation - that if my current beliefs are wrong I’ll change them yet again. Intellectual honesty has become a core value. But it is a cognitive tax that I pay dearly, while everyone around me does not.
I need to move on. For my own sanity.
I’m no longer interested in debate. Creationism vs. Evolution? Evolution. We weren’t created in the image of a deity. It’s not an open question in my mind. There is a vast body of literature that supports this conclusion. This understanding has resulted in leaps and bounds in biology and medicine. It’s not a matter of faith. Creationism is superstition. I’m sorry if that makes you feel like you’re not God’s special little human. Evolution isn’t a lie from the devil. Creationism is a lie from theologians. Did Jesus rise from the dead? No. And neither has anyone else. Dead is dead. Exactly what happened to cause a bunch of Jews to believe that is lost to history. The fact that 2 billion people believe it tells me more about humanity and psychology than it does about miracles. I’m sorry if that makes you feel like I’m going to hell. I’m not. I’ll be just fine. Is the Bible the inspired word of God? It is not. A bunch of humans wrote it down. They had superstitions. They had interesting beliefs. But no deity was involved. Are there good things in the Bible? Yes. Humans can be good. Are there bad things? Yes. Humans can be bad. They also exaggerate, mythologize, lie, and occasionally tell the truth. The Bible contains the whole lot. So how did life begin? I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. How are we conscious? I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. Or we won’t. But Zeus didn’t do it, and neither did Yahweh, or Allah, or Jesus.
I’m done paying cognitive tax to Christianity. I don’t want it to take up so much real-estate in my head anymore. I’m done justifying my worldview to people who don’t really care. So yeah, I’m done having these conversations, with the caveat that I’ll have them if I sense that you’re genuinely interested in how the world works, or what I believe.
