Content warning: Sex and swearing. If you’re uncomfortable with these then you probably should read this, because that discomfort is a part of the problem. But it’s still your choice.
My parents were open to talking to us kids about sex and sexuality. It’s only in hindsight, now that I’m married, and nearing 30 that I realize how utterly bizarre some of the ideals and values were.
Despite their approachability my parents didn’t teach me many of the things I learned about sexuality. They were, however, indirectly responsible in that they gave us books to read, put us in youth group, and encouraged us to listen to sermons and teachings which occasionally broached the matter. So I absorbed all sorts of ideas from the community that we were immersed in.
I’ll give you an example. I was well into my twenties before I realized that girls actually like sex. My. Fucking. TWENTIES. Until that revelation hit me, I thought that men were insatiable, sex-craved animals, and what good “godly” women wanted was to tame that beast and indulge it now and then for other motivations. In my mind, women didn’t enjoy the physical act per say, but they did want to feel loved and protected and emotionally connected, so they obliged.
I also had this funny idea that women weren’t visually aroused like us guys were. So naturally, they didn’t watch pornography. Nope, it was only us male pigs that did that. Female sexuality was enigmatically confined to the emotional realm, beyond our understanding.
You know how belittling it is, as a 24 year old, having to close your eyes because a pair of big ol’ titties popped up in a PG13 rated movie? Thirteen year olds are “allowed” to see breasts, but I feel morally obligated to cover my eyes, and ashamed that I don’t want to? This moral obligation caused me to heavily self-censor the books I read, the movies I watched, the games I played, the music I listened to, the conversations I had, and the sexes I interacted with.
The first time I ever spoke to a woman about sexuality was to my fiancé, months before getting married. It wasn’t flirtatious, or sensual. It was a reality check for both of us that marriage includes sexuality and neither of us know where the other stands on the matter. It felt illegal talking about sex with her, even though we both realized that we probably shouldn’t wait till after marriage to broach the topic.
Where did I get all these ideas? Who do I blame? Myself? For being such a goodie two-shoes? For taking what all the adults around me were saying seriously? 40 year olds leading churches, allowing 20 year olds to lead youth groups, who then impart their own shame upon 13 year olds who are experiencing hormonal changes for the first time. I was immersed into a culture where sex was paradoxically the most divine union of flesh and soul, and also the most despicable sin. It was placed on a pedestal, on a shrine of sacred disgust.
I’ve had to rethink and re-contextualize all of this. I’ve had to realize that sex is so very normal. That girls like sex. Visually. Physically. They crave it like we do. That craving it isn’t wrong, it’s healthy. It’s actually a problem when that desire goes away. For both sexes. Women watch porn and masturbate just like us guys do. Some even more. Yes, there are differences in our sexuality, but holy shit there are so many similarities. I’ve had to realize that my sexual attraction towards women doesn’t mean that I’m objectifying them (objectification doesn’t require sexuality).
Sex is such a big part of what it means to be human. I used to get frustrated that I couldn’t watch a movie because there was a sex scene in it. Why would the directors adulterate an otherwise great movie like that? Now I realize why. They weren’t prudes like I was. It wasn’t a big deal to them. I was immersed in a sexually repressed culture that made it a big deal and viewed sexuality entirely through a moral lens.
But there is hope and healing. I can now watch an R rated movie with my wife next to me, without covering my eyes, and it’s not a big deal. Sometimes we even rate breasts out of 10. And guess what: I love my wife even more now that I don’t have to keep 90% of my sexuality in the recesses of my mind. I’m so much more comfortable around her knowing that I can say literally anything and she’s not disgusted or put off by it from some pious sense of moral obligation.
I’m not too sure what’s normal anymore, and in some senses I don’t care because it’s shifting all the time. It feels like the responses to reading all this would be on either extreme. Pious disgust, and secular pity. The pious disgust is the sheer inability for people to think outside of the moral cage they’ve locked themselves in. The secular pity is from those who can’t relate to the extreme cultural and religious immersion that some of us grew up in.
Here’s an example: Some couples watch porn together, and openly express and share their kinks and fetishes with one another, or express preferences that go beyond what their partner looks like. To other couples, that’s all completely unthinkable, and invokes shame, disgust and jealousy all mixed in together. For fuck’s sake, who else are you supposed to confide all that in if not your partner? If your partner is blonde but you also find redheads attractive are you just to take that to your goddamn grave? Or if your wife has small areolas but you also like large ones, does she just never ever get to know that side of you?
The following objection could easily be raised. If a husband is short but his wife is intrigued by tallness in men as well, there’s nothing he can do about it so it would be unfair to express that to him (insert any sexual preferences for male or female into the example). Sure, the spouse cannot alter themselves physically, nor should they feel pressured to. But the problem is that now you can’t even talk about it, or share it, because of some potential insecurity. A level of maturity is, of course, required here from both sides. Pointing out features that your spouse doesn’t have and relentlessly wishing that they did is bound to do some damage. But realizing that your spouse is their own person with their own preferences and desires is important, and it can be hella exciting to get to know their secret thoughts. Something that I’ve realized is there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality, and sharing your fantasy doesn’t mean you’re about to go act it out in reality.
Now, I’m not about to prescribe sexual ethics to anyone. I’m still figuring out exactly where I stand on many issues, though suffice it to say I’m significantly more liberal than I used to be on most topics (though I am still rather conservative in general. It takes a long time to unlearn decades of purity culture). To my mind S.T.D’s, babies, and consent are the primary things to be concerned about. Those are things we should be taught to navigate. Instead, we were taught to abstain from everything, and I think that’s to our detriment.
I don’t know what to do with the following, and it should probably be factored in to the conversation: Biologically, we’re ready to have sex from about ~13. Mentally, about ~16. Legally, 18. Financially, 25 or later.
The culture and religion I come from thinks you should only date to marry, and only have sex once you’re married, never watch porn, never masturbate. If they got their way, then in our current society many 25 year olds would still be sexually inept virgins. The sexual tension we’re forced to live with for almost a fucking decade is unbearable. Not only that, but the man or woman that you marry should essentially have zero sexual personality, preference, experience or expectation outside of that particular marriage. And this needs to persist for 60 odd years until one of you kicks the bucket.
I’m by no means against monogamy (nor am I advocating it). I’m not advocating polyamory (nor am I against it). Some people are so well suited to having a single partner for their entire life. Others are really well suited to having multiple partners. I no longer see the latter as inherently immoral. Let me be clear, I do think cheating is immoral. It’s breaking a social contract, and that causes distrust. And that is regardless of whether the couple is married or not. But the immoral part of cheating is the lying part, not the sex part.
I’m very happily married. I love that my wife and I can talk about literally anything without a sense of shame. It hasn’t always been that way. It upsets me that it took so long to get out of our mind cage. So many couples have inner worlds that they keep to themselves for fear of shame.
